And you thought TWILIGHT was Gay...

Hey, I'm all for gay cinema but this Twilight knock off looks limper than a queen's wrist. Let's hope it contains some serious M/M fang bangin'!

Frozen, solid.

Ok, maybe I’ve been a little bar-hum-bug of late, let’s face it, it’s more fun to write a bad review, stick your claws in and draw blood than write “Fuck, that was awesome”. Doesn’t leave much room for any further commentary now does it? Ok, so, while Adam Green’s Frozen doesn’t quite fall into the afore mentioned awesome category, I did really like it. I’d have to say that Frozen also redeems Mr. Green for me. I was one of those who couldn’t see what all the fuss was about with Hatchet (nothing happens for half-the-movie!!!). I liked Frozen immediately, that is, in the first handful of shots. Through images and atmos sound alone, a menace is conveyed in regard to the ski lift at the centre of this story. No words. No exposition. Actual filmmaking. You go Mr. Green! The story is a simple and effective one. People stuck in a seemingly futile situation of which the only escape maybe their death. This, of course, describes the basic storyline of thousands of movies, but it’s what you do with it, how you treat it and your audience that matters. The characters are likable but not twee and their banter is reasonable for their age without being like you know, like totally annoying. The biggest asset this film has is the absolutely inescapable position these characters are placed. Not since Open Water has a predicament been so futile... these characters are fucked! Big time! Throw in some hungry wolves in place of sharks just to make things worse and it’s all practically unbearable. The natural acting from our trio in peril adds greatly, they are all uniformly good. For example: when Emma Bell gives a tearful speech concerning her realisation that if she were to die her dog back home would starve to death. This could have easily been corny, but is delivered so well that you start to get all worried about her dog too. While a small criticism would be that the three characters do spend a little too much time talking about their friendship and it feels like padding, Frozen ticks a lot of boxes.

It's not an SOS, it's a WARNING!!!

Usually I write long, slightly overblown rants about why or why not I liked or didn’t like something but Pandorum is just so bad I can’t be bothered summoning the words to describe it. Please take this as a warning, Pandorum maybe one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Only watch it if you happen to be wondering what water board torture might be like. The people I really feel sorry for amid the apocalypse that is Pandorum is the design and FX folk who have done a great job. Shame their capable work is housing for a huge stinking cinematic turd.

Shylamalan Made Me Do It!?

Despite some fantastic ideas, photography and music, DEVIL can’t quite escape the unholy touch of M. Night Shylamalan. From the beginning we are treated to the very best and very worst of what this movie has to offer. Over a blackened screen we hear an inane voice over that proceeds to tell us exactly what this movie is about, god forbid anything be a surprise. This is then followed by some of the best inverted city skyline aerials I’ve ever seen and a suitably demonic sounding score. The film continues throughout with this flip-flopping between subtle ingenuity and sledgehammer like exposition. This is where I point the finger squarely at M. Night. He’s last few cinematic abortions have also been crashed under the weight of a director bowing to Hollywood convention, explaining everything away so that the retard in the back corner of the cinema, with his fingers knuckle deep in his girlfriend, completely understands what is happening on screen at all times. Had this film been braver and not stipulated from the very beginning the supernatural undercurrent of the story, DEVIL could have been a modern gem. Sadly, we are given a character (the security guard) whose sole purpose in the film is to make sure we all know that one of the people stuck in the elevator is actually the devil, friggin’ Satan himself. There are some many reasons why this is wrong beyond “How the fuck does he know?” Ok, so said character is given some flack for being a religious nut but the final insult comes when the cop (there to investigate a murder) suddenly, and for no reason, takes on board the security guard’s screwy theory. OMG! Or should that be OMD! It was such a missed opportunity to have not kept the audience in the dark as to the idea that one of the lift occupants could be the devil rather than the reveal relying on who the devil is. Ever heard of the double whammy M. Night? Oh, wait, you have. It’s not the past it’s the present + the town retard is the monster = The Village. Even with this massive and unfortunate handicap (known as Shylamalania) DEVIL has some great stuff in it and even after the reveal of who the devil is, the story continues to surprise with further character revelations. For the most part all the acting is sufficient and purposeful (except that tedious security guard), the photography is clean and classily handled and the music is supportive without being intrusive. It would have been interesting to see if director John Erick Dowdle would have made a better film had it not been under the tutelage of the real devil.